Posted by: Rick | Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Field Guide To Republicans

There are only three policy potions in Republican governance: deregulation, tax cuts, and privatization.  That’s it.  On any particular issue,  the party bosses determine the precise admixture that will most pleasure the relevant corporate interests.  They then convey the appropriate political marching orders to their rank-and-file. 

This rigid system makes it very easy to be a Republican politician.  Simply choose the special interests you’d like to serve, and then work on enriching them.  But when the party leadership decides exactly who’s going to get what, just shut up and do as you’re told.  Ba da bing, ba da boom!

In terms of substance, then, Republicans are boring, interchangeable voting units.  But because none of them ever have to waste time thinking about policy, they’re all completely free to cultivate their own political personalities

The happy result is this: In terms of style, the Republican Wildlife Refuge is filled with dozens of unique and colorful subspecies.  Here’s a brief taxonomy, with an example (or two) of each type:

The “Intellectual” (Newt Gingrich)
The Clown (Louie Gohmert)
The Schoolmarm (Olympia Snowe)
The True Believer (Tom Coburn)
The Fox (Michele Bachmann)
The Lunatic (Michele Bachmann)
The Businessman (Mitt Romney)
The Warrior (John McCain)*
The Wunderkind
(Paul Ryan)
The Bad Boy (Joe Wilson)
The Wizard (Frank Luntz)
The Heretic (Ron Paul)
The Exile (George W. Bush)
The Golfer (John Boehner)
The Ladies’ Man (Scott Brown)
That Crazy Guy Upstairs (Jim Bunning)
The Enforcer (Mitch McConnell)
The Assassin (Roger Ailes)
The Prodigal Son (Judd Gregg)
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (David Dreier, Lindsey Graham)
The Lobbyist’s Lobbyist (Grover Norquist)
The Hangaround (Joe Lieberman)
The Godfather (Antonin Scalia)
The Moderate (Susan Collins)
The Chickenhawk (Dick Cheney)

*Last of its subspecies; extinction may be imminent

This is only a partial list.  I’ll probably add to it as more specimens pop up in the news.

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Responses

  1. Wow thats quite a list. Did you do that on the spot?

    • Yeah. I’ve been overdosing on C-SPAN lately in an attempt to stay on top of the health care showdown. The list kind of wrote itself.


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