People stuck in boring, dead-end jobs are probably under the impression that you have to be really smart and really “up on the issues” to be a Republican Member of Congress. My friends, nothing could be further from the truth. You just have to get yourself elected! After that, if you come across any really complicated stuff — and believe me, this won’t happen very often — well, that’s when you’ll be glad you hired one of those annoying geeks from the Heritage Foundation or the Center for Individual Freedom or some other “think tank”. Annoying Staff Geek Dude, truth be told, won’t know much either, but don’t worry. He’s just there to give you a few big words to use when some brainac reporter keeps bugging you to be “specific” about some stupid bill you have to vote for.
So, you just have to get elected — but be forewarned: GOP politics is a snakepit. In the House Republican Caucus, you’ll find yourself going toe to toe, day after day, with one sketchy operator after another, all of them scheming to secure a primo seat on the K Street gravy train once they’ve finished looting the Treasury on behalf of the corporate interests underwriting their careers. The political game, to be sure, isn’t for the faint of heart, but if you don’t mind running with a pack of borderline sociopaths, it can be very rewarding.
Now, for the good news. It’s the reason you need to start pursuing a career in politics today. Are you ready? It’s your message. Your message, Mr. Future Member of Congress, is beyond simple. A sixth-grader can grasp it. It’s one sentence, it’s Frank Luntz-approved, it’s 100% idea-free, it’s guaranteed to get you votes — and here it is:
I support common sense, non-job-killing, fiscally responsible, pro-family, pro-growth, small government policies that put our fiscal house in order in a common sense way without killing jobs, raising taxes, weakening the family, spending money we don’t have, expanding government, crushing small business, or piling a mountain of debt on the backs of our children and grandchildren as far as the eye can see.
Sure, it’s a mouthful. That’s the point! It’s also poll-tested and completely impervious to any attack based on history, fact or logic. Although you’ll rarely be able to spew your message its entirety, you need to jam as many of its phrases as possible into every sentence you utter. Remember: Your message can move mountains. Embrace it and let it lead you to the prosperity you deserve.
So — what are you waiting for? You have the tools. You have the desire. You have the moxie.
Be the next Boner!