Posted by: Rick | Sunday, May 22, 2011

Wanted: A Candidate Who Doesn’t Totally Suck (Experience Required)

With Herman Cain in and Mitch Daniels out, the Republican National Committee is in full-blown panic mode.  They’ve just posted this on

Date:  5/22/2011

Job Category:  Politics/lobbying

Position Title:  2012 Republican Presidential Nominee

Salary Range:  Potentially unlimited

Location:  Washington, DC

Job Description:  The candidate will report to the head of the U. S.  Chamber of Commerce.  Primary responsibility is to get elected President of the United States.  If the candidate is succesful in his or her primary responsiblity, detailed instructions will be issued on how to proceed upon assuming office.

Desired  Qualifications: 

  • Executive governmental experience at the state level (excluding Alaska).
  • Willingness to take orders from Karl Rove.
  • Familiarity with Republican talking points dating back to 1980.
  • Ability to stay “on message” while delivering a nonstop torrent of ludicrous non sequiturs, empty slogans, and bald-faced lies.
  • Commitment to appeal to teabaggers, wingnuts and other Republican extremists in the primaries, and then to backpedal furiously in time for the general election.  (In this regard, flip-flopping experience is desirable, but such behavior should not define the candidate’s public character.  One Romney is quite enough.)
  • Ideal candidate possesses good to excellent hair, an attractive spouse, at least one cute child, and a Y chromosome.

To Apply:  Email resume with video attachment to Roger Ailes at Fox News.  If you don’t already have Ailes’s personal email address, you’re not qualified.



  1. I thought Rush Limbaugh was the ‘king maker’ when it comes to who will run for president.


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