Posted by: Rick | Monday, September 17, 2012

The Sideburns Of Mendacity

I think it was the blogger Atrios who first took note of Thomas Friedman’s “Mustache of Understanding,” an ironic synecdoche borne of the Timesman’s many vapid or incorrect pronouncements. (I actually think Friedman is generally okay. For what it’s worth.) In that esteemed tradition, I now introduce you to Mitt Romney’s “Sideburns of Mendacity,” which I espied after careful observation of the Governor’s incessant lying, flip-flopping, and bullshitting.

I confess to a certain creepy fascination with Romney’s perfectly coiffed facial hair. While Romney himself has all the constancy of a two-dollar whore, his sideburns never alter their solid presidential mien. Just look at these beauties:

Romney’s sideburns, much like the trees in Michigan, are exactly the right size. They are also, much like the Republican convention delegates lately seen in Tampa, exactly the right color. They evoke in their Quinn Martin retro-cool the wholesomely bizarre tableau of an honest white American businessman evicting a shifty black Kenyan from the hallowed grounds of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue — and not a minute too soon. For no matter how many egregious lies and shameless flip-flops swirl around Romney’s understuffed head, his immutably perfect sideburns remain forever in place, twin points cultural calm in a chaotic star system of heretofore unimaginable political mendacity.

If only Romney’s sideburns could campaign without Romney!

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