The Book Of Newt (A Biblical Parody)

For Jesus said, “A prophet is not without honor, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house.” And hearing this, Newt knew that he was himself a prophet, sent to warn the Wingnuts, who were of late in thrall to the teachings of Paul of Kenosha. Wherefore on the Sabbath, Newt said unto David of Gregory, “It is written that whosoever among the Wingnuts preacheth of privatizing Medicare, yea, though they call it not by its true name, shall be smote by the voters and driven from the House of Plenty to seek jobs in the private sector ere their time. And thence among the Wingnuts many shekels shall be lost, and many second homes shall go unbought, and many second wives shall vent their wrath upon their husbands.” And Newt knew that he was right. But John, King of the Wingnuts, was sore afraid of Paul of Kenosha, for Paul was in league with Eric of Cantor and the Legion of Teabaggers, who loved Paul and who mistrusted John because of his pagan orange hue. Wherefore John decreed at once that Newt was a heretic, and said unto his caucus, “Go ye forth and pummel Newt, for the Teabaggers are possessed of unclean spirits. They care not what is good for the Wingnuts, and we needs fear them more than we fear anyone, even Barack, the fount of all evil.” And so the Wingnuts went forth and pummeled Newt, and lo, before the next sunrise, Newt recanted his prophecy and promised everlasting fealty to Paul and his teachings. And beholding this, the Wingnuts were not amazed, for the old ones among them remembered the days when Newt was their King and such acts were common as starlings.